Relationship Then and Now

Why is it so hard to be truthful sometimes?  When asked an emotional question, a question that I must dig deep down for, I am speechless.  The answers are shouting in my head, I can come up with a million responses, yet my voice prevents me from saying them.  Am I scared of the response?  Am I not sure how I'm feeling?  Will the other person be offended?  Is my answer too truthful?  What kind of answer are they looking for?  I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

This is a travesty for women from generation to generation.

For close to a decade, I was in a dark place.  I know deep down I went through an intense, rocky, long-term relationship for a reason.  I learned I want to heal people and that it is not always my place.  I saw self-sabotage and self-hatred.  To be honest, it's a path I never want to visit again.  What I didn't know then, is that I'd be left with the aftershock of cheating, denial, misuse of trust and guilt.  In my past relationship, I would have nightmares.  A lot.  They were usually my inner voice sending me hints about the reality of our relationship, or lack thereof.  My Mom likes to say that only one of us was in a relationship and it was me.  So as I get closer and closer with the man I'm with now, the exact man I've always wanted, I've started having the same nightmares.

Except this time, they aren't true.  But when I wake up they feel so real.  I have to talk myself out of the dark clouds into the present moment, into reality, into safety, into love.  A safe love, in which I have little experience.  I never felt safe/secure in the past and at some point, that insecurity became an addiction.  I longed for feeling like I didn't belong, for ways to escape the norm.  I didn't realize how damaging my past was, until I tried to repair it.  It's actually embarrassing to verbalize the treatment that I accepted and tolerated, especially compared to now.

I have talked to many women who go through the same thing.  We blame ourselves.  We long for the years we wasted with men that were assholes and wonder how it got so bad.  It could be an early 20 something versus a late twenty something's perspective.

It's important that you are treated with respect, love and kindness.

But don't be expecting it, if you aren't giving it.

Don't ruin something great because of something that wasn't.